Don't get excited... this is just where my story begins. I was due in March... the PERFECT month to have a baby in my opinion. Leprechauns, March of Dimes, March Madness, all good things in March (oh, I'm not a fan of basketball.... just like that they have a name so close to my blog url).
Anyway,
elated was just the tip of what we were feeling... I just felt
ready. And if you know me at all... just feeling
ready is a really really big deal. I'm no Kate Gosslin or Mrs. Dugger... no ma'am... not me. But for baby number two, I was just READY and flushed with happiness about it.
Week 8: started to spot (oh, an by the way, this post ain't for the light of heart... so if you're not a chickee who knows about these things or a hubby who has been desensitized to the horrors of placenta-talk... walk away now). Devastation. I was horrified. Not another miscarriage. This would be my third. It just didn't seem right since I was SO tired and sick (not AS sick as I was with Ava, but SICK nonetheless). I was scared.
I did nothing about the light, intermittent spotting for 2 weeks. I was still hopeful. I really did feel pregnant still.
Week 10: finally went into the doctor. The hospital ultrasound found something strange. A tumor-like mass in my uterus. I was sent to a specialist (who in fact was my doctor for Ava's birth... I thought I'd be wild and change up docs for this baby). His ultrasound tech found the same strange mass. So I was immediately lain (laid?) down for a D&C just there in his clinic. All went fine, he said, as left me to recover. No follow-up appointment made.
For the next 5 and a half weeks I bled. I bled copious amounts of blood. And I STILL felt pregnant. Very very pregnant still. Tired all the time, nauseated, and weak. We chalked it up to the heavy bleeding. I'm telling you... it was NOT pretty.
Frustration, Exhaustion, Anticipation.
FINALLY I was talked into going back to the doctor (obviously you get that I really really am not someone who believes in their own pain level... I honestly thought I was just imagining the horror.
At the clinic, the doctor flippantly tells me that it's probably just a little residual tissue that's causing the bleeding. He doesn't care that I am completely dog-tired. Or nauseous. Or hurting badly. Or scared. He does this procedure (
without anesthesia or numbing me at all) and the pain was horrifying. After he left, he was still confused about why I was bleeding so much, he scheduled me an appointment for the next Monday to come in for an ultrasound.
I laid on the bed for 30 minutes. Hurting. The pain was searing hot and burning me from the inside. I couldn't move or even lift my head. So I laid there and cried. And prayed a lot. I somehow got home, crawled inside and fell into Taylor and wept. For the first time, I really let it out. T held me and prayed with me and for me. I was just empty. And confused.
Come Monday and we both went to the clinic together. When Doc started the ultrasound up, an image popped up that was completely foreign to me. Everyone was silent. Even the nurse stepped up to the screen to take a closer look.
Doc: "Wow. Uhhhh.... this is.... Wow. "
silence. We're waiting to see what this was. It looked like a large bunch of grapes in my uterus! Or swiss cheese. Or I was having 19 babies all at once.
Finally T and I say at the same time: "what
is that?"
Doc: "I'm 90% sure you're having a "
Molar Pregnancy". Which is an abnormal growth of the placenta. There's no wonder you still feel pregnant (oh so he WAS listening!!) and from the looks of this, the pain must be unbearable (praise be, he heard that too!)."
He went on to explain more about the diagnosis and that my case was the worst he has seen in about nine years. Nice. Good to be remembered.
Taylor told him that I've been having severe tension/pressure headaches for the last 4 weeks. (I'm a wuss... I still have a hard time telling the Doc that I'm hurting anywhere that he can't see). That's when Mr. Doc kicked it into high gear. Immediately checking my eyes (for i-have-no-clue-what) and got me an appointment with the hospital for a suction D&C right away. He left the room telling me to go to the hospital immediately and he'll meet me there.
My emotions?
Total relief. Relief that it wasn't just in my head. Relief that there was an actual reason for all this craziness. Relief that my bad parenting for these last months weren't for nothing at all. I was just relieved.
Had to go to the hospital now.
Taylor and I parted ways, he had to go get Ava from the sitter's and he would wait for a phone call to come and fetch me after the procedure.
The last thing I remember saying when the nurses were putting me under the anesthesia....
"I'm so sorry I didn't shave my legs"
I think I heard someone snort.
What Ev.
After the BEST sleep I've had in over 2 months, the nurses brought me out of my fog after the surgery and my doctor's floating head told me, "Everything went just fine, Katy, I removed almost 1 and a half pounds of placental tissue". Ahhhh... that's what I've always wanted to hear while being woken up from a sweet slumber.
I felt.... Good. Just good. I knew that it was gone and my body rejoiced at the lifted burden. I could breathe now. No more pain. No more headache. It was all just gone. Relief.
The x-ray came out clean and I was discharged to go home. I could have skipped the whole way home... I was just so much lighter and free-er (?). But I didn't skip home, because I was still doped up and loopy. But you get it.
The doctor wants me to come in tomorrow for further instructions as to what will happen now.
He did tell me this. I'm not out of the woods yet. The molar pregnancy (abnormal tissue growth) could come back. Also, there's a 20% risk that this could turn into a cancer that we'll have to take care of with chemotherapy (however, this is the kind of cancer that is very easy to cure). We will have to watch my body very closely for the next 12 months through exams and blood tests. If it's not cancer, then I could start trying for another baby. If it is, then that's a few more years of waiting.
That means NO BABY for at least year. No trying to get pregnant. Nothing.
Devastation. I am shattered over this news. I just don't want to wait that long to get my family going again. The thought of this makes my heart just ache and I am really trying to keep a happy face for those I love, but I'm sad. Very sad about this. So now I leave you feeling all tired again. And very helpless. Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for my good health and for answers... but this isn't the answer I want. I'll try to keep you all updated, but please don't be surprised or offended if I slack at blogs, emails, phone calls, facebooking... I'm just trying to heal completely.
Pray for us?
