Don't get excited... this is just where my story begins. I was due in March... the PERFECT month to have a baby in my opinion. Leprechauns, March of Dimes, March Madness, all good things in March (oh, I'm not a fan of basketball.... just like that they have a name so close to my blog url).
Anyway, elated was just the tip of what we were feeling... I just felt ready. And if you know me at all... just feeling ready is a really really big deal. I'm no Kate Gosslin or Mrs. Dugger... no ma'am... not me. But for baby number two, I was just READY and flushed with happiness about it.
Week 8: started to spot (oh, an by the way, this post ain't for the light of heart... so if you're not a chickee who knows about these things or a hubby who has been desensitized to the horrors of placenta-talk... walk away now). Devastation. I was horrified. Not another miscarriage. This would be my third. It just didn't seem right since I was SO tired and sick (not AS sick as I was with Ava, but SICK nonetheless). I was scared.
I did nothing about the light, intermittent spotting for 2 weeks. I was still hopeful. I really did feel pregnant still.
Week 10: finally went into the doctor. The hospital ultrasound found something strange. A tumor-like mass in my uterus. I was sent to a specialist (who in fact was my doctor for Ava's birth... I thought I'd be wild and change up docs for this baby). His ultrasound tech found the same strange mass. So I was immediately lain (laid?) down for a D&C just there in his clinic. All went fine, he said, as left me to recover. No follow-up appointment made.
For the next 5 and a half weeks I bled. I bled copious amounts of blood. And I STILL felt pregnant. Very very pregnant still. Tired all the time, nauseated, and weak. We chalked it up to the heavy bleeding. I'm telling you... it was NOT pretty.
Frustration, Exhaustion, Anticipation.
FINALLY I was talked into going back to the doctor (obviously you get that I really really am not someone who believes in their own pain level... I honestly thought I was just imagining the horror.
At the clinic, the doctor flippantly tells me that it's probably just a little residual tissue that's causing the bleeding. He doesn't care that I am completely dog-tired. Or nauseous. Or hurting badly. Or scared. He does this procedure (without anesthesia or numbing me at all) and the pain was horrifying. After he left, he was still confused about why I was bleeding so much, he scheduled me an appointment for the next Monday to come in for an ultrasound.
I laid on the bed for 30 minutes. Hurting. The pain was searing hot and burning me from the inside. I couldn't move or even lift my head. So I laid there and cried. And prayed a lot. I somehow got home, crawled inside and fell into Taylor and wept. For the first time, I really let it out. T held me and prayed with me and for me. I was just empty. And confused.
Come Monday and we both went to the clinic together. When Doc started the ultrasound up, an image popped up that was completely foreign to me. Everyone was silent. Even the nurse stepped up to the screen to take a closer look.
Doc: "Wow. Uhhhh.... this is.... Wow. "
silence. We're waiting to see what this was. It looked like a large bunch of grapes in my uterus! Or swiss cheese. Or I was having 19 babies all at once.
Finally T and I say at the same time: "what is that?"
Doc: "I'm 90% sure you're having a "Molar Pregnancy". Which is an abnormal growth of the placenta. There's no wonder you still feel pregnant (oh so he WAS listening!!) and from the looks of this, the pain must be unbearable (praise be, he heard that too!)."
He went on to explain more about the diagnosis and that my case was the worst he has seen in about nine years. Nice. Good to be remembered.
Taylor told him that I've been having severe tension/pressure headaches for the last 4 weeks. (I'm a wuss... I still have a hard time telling the Doc that I'm hurting anywhere that he can't see). That's when Mr. Doc kicked it into high gear. Immediately checking my eyes (for i-have-no-clue-what) and got me an appointment with the hospital for a suction D&C right away. He left the room telling me to go to the hospital immediately and he'll meet me there.
My emotions?
Total relief. Relief that it wasn't just in my head. Relief that there was an actual reason for all this craziness. Relief that my bad parenting for these last months weren't for nothing at all. I was just relieved.
Had to go to the hospital now.
Taylor and I parted ways, he had to go get Ava from the sitter's and he would wait for a phone call to come and fetch me after the procedure.
The last thing I remember saying when the nurses were putting me under the anesthesia....
"I'm so sorry I didn't shave my legs"
I think I heard someone snort.
What Ev.
After the BEST sleep I've had in over 2 months, the nurses brought me out of my fog after the surgery and my doctor's floating head told me, "Everything went just fine, Katy, I removed almost 1 and a half pounds of placental tissue". Ahhhh... that's what I've always wanted to hear while being woken up from a sweet slumber.
I felt.... Good. Just good. I knew that it was gone and my body rejoiced at the lifted burden. I could breathe now. No more pain. No more headache. It was all just gone. Relief.
The x-ray came out clean and I was discharged to go home. I could have skipped the whole way home... I was just so much lighter and free-er (?). But I didn't skip home, because I was still doped up and loopy. But you get it.
The doctor wants me to come in tomorrow for further instructions as to what will happen now.
He did tell me this. I'm not out of the woods yet. The molar pregnancy (abnormal tissue growth) could come back. Also, there's a 20% risk that this could turn into a cancer that we'll have to take care of with chemotherapy (however, this is the kind of cancer that is very easy to cure). We will have to watch my body very closely for the next 12 months through exams and blood tests. If it's not cancer, then I could start trying for another baby. If it is, then that's a few more years of waiting.
That means NO BABY for at least year. No trying to get pregnant. Nothing.
Devastation. I am shattered over this news. I just don't want to wait that long to get my family going again. The thought of this makes my heart just ache and I am really trying to keep a happy face for those I love, but I'm sad. Very sad about this. So now I leave you feeling all tired again. And very helpless. Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for my good health and for answers... but this isn't the answer I want. I'll try to keep you all updated, but please don't be surprised or offended if I slack at blogs, emails, phone calls, facebooking... I'm just trying to heal completely.
Pray for us?
39 comments:
I am so sorry Katy! That must have been devastating. I wish the best for you and I will keep you in my prayers.
O Katy. You are definitely in my prayers. You are such a warrior for even sharing this with the world. Thanks for sharing it though. You are an amazing woman.
Katy,
I'm sorry to hear about this. You will be in our prayers! I have a sister-in-law that had a molar pregnancy about 2 1/2 years ago. It doesn't sound like her case was as extreme as yours though because she got the go ahead to try again for another after like 6 months. This is a big disappointment for you. Just try to remember that Heavenly Father knows us and gives us experiences for our good, but take all the time you need to heal. You are an amazing mommy and will be to more babies, I'm sure of that. Love you and thinking of you, and hoping things look up soon.
Angela
Katy - We will definitely keep you in our prayers. I hope each day gets better and better for you. Love and miss you!
I am so sorry Katy. That is so hard. I wish I were there to help you out and give you a HUGE hug. I don't believe there is a reason for everything, but I think we can learn from each trial and Heavenly Father will get us through. PLEASE let me know if you need anything. I am always here if you need to talk/scream/cry or if you need a huge batch of cookies. I love you Katy! You are in my prayers. :)
oh man katy, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine. How are you doing? I bet you could find lots of other girls in your same situation. I have a friend crystal who has had 2 DNC miscarriages in the last few months. I had a few before gabriel, but none to your extent. We will definitely pray for you to feel better. I know that the waiting 12 months was maybe worse news than getting surgery. We all have this certain amount of time we want to have between kids don't we. That's hard. What doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger, and you are strong already. Love you guys.
Katy, you are a strong woman and we will continue to pray for you and your family! I'm sorry that you had to go through this, but God knew it was going to happen and he knows what great things are to come from this! We love you and hope that you begin to feel better soon!
I'm so sorry - I don't even know what to say. Having to wait for a child you want is one of the hardest things. You've already been in our prayers. I hope the results of the biopsy come back with everything being okay. Love you!
after reading your post, i just could not stop crying. it hurts my heart so much to know that my good friend who i look up to so much has to go through such pain and heartache. our time on earth is truly a test and there are so many people struggling with their own trials and tribulations everyday. somehow, as unfair as it seems, God knew that you would make it through this- and i have no doubt that you will. my prayers and thoughts are with you and taylor and your precious ava. even though times are hard remember that you have an amazing husband who loves you very much, a family who will always be there for you, a beautiful and talented daughter who has been blessed with her mother's love, and friends that will support and love you through everything. i love you katy and i don't think you will ever know just how much i look up to you and how you have touched my life.
Sweet Katy. How I love and admire you for being the strong, amazing, and beautiful woman that you are. I hope you know what an inpiration you are to all of us. I am so relieved to hear that Dr. He who must not be named finally gave you the treatment and attention that you've NEEDED DIRELY all these weeks. I still hate him for putting you through what you've been through, and not taking just a little more time to be thorough the first time and make you as comfortable as possible. I am so glad that you are finally able to recover and heal painlessly now, but my heart hurts. I know how much you were ready for another baby. Waiting for that, is never ever easy. I love you tons and you are in my thought and prayers daily! Wishing you a speedy and smooth recovery-Jess
I'm so sorry for what you have been and are going through! You all will definitely be in our thoughts and prayers!!!
I figured it's alright for me to joke with you, since you already know my real feelings about the whole situation. So I'm gonna be the one to show you your glass is half full instead of half empty, so get ready. You said, and I quote, "No trying to get pregnant. Nothing." There is NOT nothing. There IS "practicing" getting pregnant. Hmmmm. . . . . maybe I shouldn't write this in such a public place, but it's gotta be said. ;) It's all in how you look at it. Don't knock the practicing!
Katy- my heart aches for the pain you have been through! And then I glance at what Sharee wrote, and smile a bit- for all the pain you have gone through, you have such a beautiful family to keep your spirits high, be by your side, make you smile, pray with you-pray for you! I wish you a speedy recovery, both mentally and physically! Mucho, mucho love from out east!
Katy,
I'm so sorry for your loss (yeah it's still a big loss when plans change). I understand heartache and loss and I know there is nothing I can do to fix it for you, but I just want you to know that I love you and I'm sorry you and Taylor are going through this. If I could change it or fix it for you. . I would in a heartbeat. Please know I love you, my heart aches for you, the tears are comin', and I'll be spending lots of time on my knees for you.
Katy,
I am sooo sorry! I hope you are feeling well. Just know I am keeping you Taylor, and Miss Ava in my prayers.
Oh Katy, you are a ROCK! I don't know if I could deal with the same trials you are going through. You are always such an example to me--as a WONDERFUL friend, an awesome wife and a sweet mama! I still have a note that you wrote me when we were teeny-tiny freshman living the big life! It's so hard to understand why we each have to go through with different things, but someday we will understand. In five years you will look back and say, "Ohhhhh that's why I went through all the junk!" One of my hard times was trying to figure out why all my friends were getting married and I was stuck with these "leftovers" that were not ideal marriage canidates. It was hard. Both my younger siblings got married and I was the odd man out in my family, with all of my friends and in my ward. BUT I am sooooo glad that I waited around for Pablo to show up in my life. So, I guess my point is, Heavenly Father loves you--I know He does! And he really does have your best interest at heart. Read Elder Christopherson's talk from last April about covenants--it might help! LOVE YOUR GUTS!
Katy--you know how I feel. And I hope you know I love you so much! You are such a great friend...
here to listen any time.
HUGS!
I just want you to know that I love you to death and know that you will make in through this trial with flying colors. You are an amazing woman with an amazing husband to support and love you through all this. I really hope you are feeling better soon, and the wait to have another child will make you appreciate the one you have and the one you will have later SOOooooo much more than you would have ever realized. Love yah Katy!!
((((((((love you))))))))
Oh Katy! I'm glad to hear you are doing better. Jess mentioned some horror stories at the Dr and I was worried about you. "Koala" and I will keep you in our prayers. You are amazing!
Hey Katy, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It is obvious that you and your family are loved (people love you like crazy), I'm mostly sorry that I can't take it away or go through it for you, or even with you. I'm reading a book right now called "The Hiding Place" (I haven't gotten too far yet) but it has already pointed out to me that we can never prepare ourselves for things like this...but the moment we need it the Lord always gives us the strength and courage to do what needs to be done, and not a minute before. I know that I don't catch up with you much, but I hope you know how much Jared and I love you. ~Brittany
aww you totally made me cry!! You are such a strong girl! Let me know if you need anything..I do live like 5 houses away you know... We are praying for you guys! :)
Katy, I am so so sorry. Oh how I wish I still live 2 doors down from you so I could give you a big hug & some baked goodies to try to help alleviate some of your pain. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but thank you so much for sharing your experience to remind me of how much I have to be grateful for! We love & miss you guys so much & you will definitely be in our thoughts & prayers. And, seriously call or e-mail me anytime :) Love you bunches!
Katy I'm so sorry to hear how much pain you have gone through the past few months. We are praying for you and your family and hope that everything will work out for the best in the end. If you need anything let me know and I'll be there. I wish I was still in rexburg to help you out and to give you a big hug! Best of luck and you will be in my prayers! I love you!!!
Katy our hearts go out to you and your family. I'm grateful that you have found so much faith in this aweful trial.
You dear precious souls! our hearts and prayers are out to you for sure! We are glad that you feel much better now though.
Katy!!! Girl i love you!! Truely strong you are!!! I totally know how you feel, when it comes to losing a baby. It's rough!!! were praying for you!!! Love ya girlie!!!
Oh, K! I feel so super LA-ME (yup, I just made that a 2 syllable word because I'm so sincere!) about bugging you about stupid zucchini and recipes and play dates and photo opts. Kicking myself. I hope things will settle down for you and you can just BE with your little family. I'm so sorry about all you've been through. You know if you need any little thing I can be there in 2 minutes or less (...or a few more if it requires ice cream)!
I'm so sorry you guys. We'll definitely be praying for you. Let us know if there's anything we can do. Love ya.
What a roller coaster ride of emotions! I am glad they figured out what was going on. Our thoughts and prayers are with you!
I hate to think that some one would ever have to go through this. I think Heavenly Father gives pregnancy trials to some of the strongest people, and you are one of the strongest I know. I need to take your always positive attitude and apply it in my life. My prayers are with you, I hope you can always be healthy.
My goodness! What a blessing that all was found and that all went well. We'll keep you in our prayers that all will continue to go well.
Oh Katy! I'm so sorry. I wish I could say the right words to make you feel better. Just know that the Lord is watching over you and your family. You'll be blessed again someday with another/more child(ren) if you are faithful, which I know you are! Hang in there, eat some chocolate ('cause that helps me!) and keep up the great attitude! You'll get through this!
It's hard to even imagine what you and your family are going through right now. You have always been such a great example of strength, and I'm not sure why yours has to be tested so often, but it seems to me that you truly have quite a lot of people that love and care about you. I know you'll come out the other side an even stronger person. Take care of yourself and rely on the people around you for help, because I honestly haven't met a person in this world that doesn't love you. I hope and pray the best for you.
I'm so sorry for what you have gone through, I can't imagine what it's like. Our prayers are with you, and we wish you the best through your healing process. I love your honesty in your blogs, & I love that you openly say how you feel. We're here for you!
Katy, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do for you. Keep us updated, and you will definitely be in my prayers.
I couldn't help shedding a few of my own tears for you as I was reading your blog. My mom called me a few days ago and told me what was going on in your lives and I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and praying for you. Life can be so difficult at times and I just want you to know that we love you and hope everything turns out well. And, I am so sorry that this awful trial has come into your lives. Please feel free to call for anything. Anything!!!
Katy, wow, I'm struggling to find the right words to say but I want you to know you're in our prayers and we hope & pray that everything will be fine!
Oh friend!! I'm totally crying for you. Bless your heart! I am behind on reading blogs (surprise?) so I just scrolled down to read the first of ones I'd missed so I'm anxious to scroll up and see how you're doing. I just wanted to comment along the way in order as if I read them right after your posting. =) I'm really glad the doctor finally listened to you and that he was able to remove everything. You're in my prayers. Love you.
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